Monday, June 3, 2013

A Petition to MLB

I'd like to make an open petition to Major League Baseball to request the immediate contraction of the Miami Marlins. Or, if this is impossible, I would like to petition that they immediately be moved to the American League and the Houston Astros be reinstated to their rightful place in the NL.

There are several reasons I wish to make this request:

1) The Marlins are an embarrassment to MLB
This is sort of self-explanatory, but in case you needed a refresher, the Marlins have been in existence for 20 seasons. Yes, they have made the playoffs twice and won a World Series Championship both times, but consider the circumstances surrounding their championships. In 1997, the Marlins signed pretty much every big-name Free Agent available, building a superteam that won the World Series that year and then sold off every marketable piece of that roster by the following Memorial Day. The 1998 Opening Day celebration was met with mass disgust that this roster could even be honored since half the players that won the title were gone. The Marlins were subsequently so bad that they made poor Jim Leyland eat cigarettes by the pack in the dugout. They waited slightly longer to break up their 2003 championship team, but they did it just the same, selling off the pieces one by one until there was nothing but a rotting hulk of a team. But, undaunted, they decided to go on another Free Agency spree prior to the 2012 season, as they were moving into their acid trip of a new stadium that was certain to bring bigger and better things. But this new superteam failed to gel, and by the All Star Break, pieces were dealt away, culminating in basically their entire roster being traded to the Toronto Blue Jays. Here they are, once again, at the bottom of the barrel.

2) Their Owner is a Jerk.
Doesn't matter if it was Wayne Huiznega or Jeffrey Loria. I fail to understand why, exactly, MLB forced out Frank McCourt, but Jeffrey Loria is allowed to continue to own a Major League Baseball team. I would guess it's got something to do with the fact that he's never had any direct financial difficulties or messy divorces, but let's examine his track record: First, he bought the Expos and ruined them so badly that they a) weren't even broadcast in English in Montreal and b) MLB ultimately farmed them out to Puerto Rico for a third of their home games each year before c) he pawned the Expos off to MLB in some sweetheart team swap that saw John Henry assume the Red Sox and Loria not just take over the Marlins, but strip every single person from the Expos front office down and bring them to Florida with him, so the Expos were left with literally nothing but a roster consisting of Vladimir Guerrero and spare parts. Two years later, there were no more Expos, period.

3) Nobody cares about the Marlins.
It's true. Have any of you ever met a real live Marlins fan? I've met one. But only one. This was back in the days when the only reason to get excited about the Marlins was that they were about to call up Mike Stanton (before he became Giancarlo). Outside of that, I'm dubious as to whether or not any Marlins fans actually exist. Most of South Florida is comprised of transplanted people from another part of the country that already have loyalties elsewhere. The rest of them could potentially have been Marlins fans at some point in the history of the team, but after watching the team strip itself of any and all viable talent over and over and over again, without any real promise of things getting better and no particular warning that it's going to happen, wouldn't you eventually get sick of it? Granted, being a Mets fan hasn't been a pleasure cruise these past few seasons, but at least they aren't going through a fire sale every three years. At least the Wilpons, for all their foibles, don't entice us with spending sprees that don't pay off. At least the Wilpons actually care, in their own strange way, about building a winning team. I don't think Jeffrey Loria cares, and it shows. Can you blame the residents of South Florida for not caring about the team anymore? They barely had any fans when things were going well, now I'm hard pressed to believe that the 4 fans they do have can even bear to watch anymore.

4) I, personally, have had enough of the Marlins.
As a Mets fan, I personally object to the Marlins. They have done nothing but bother me for the entirety of their existence. I find them loathsome and offensive, and their behavior is brutish and inane. Every season, I have to be subjected to the Mets being forced to play the Marlins no less than 18 times, and every season, the Marlins seem to go out of their way to make these 18 games as torturous as possible for the Mets. It doesn't matter how good the Mets are, or how bad the Marlins are, or how either team is put together, the Marlins have done nothing but piss off myself and all Mets fans. And in recent years, it has come to a head. In 2007, they petulantly picked fights with us, knocked us out of the playoffs and whooped it up like they'd actually won something. In 2008, they beat us again to close our beloved Shea Stadium and then hung around on the field like they owned the place. For years, they beat us and acted as though they just won a pennant. And for what? Because they didn't like Jose Reyes dancing? But, hypocrites that they are, they had no problem throwing a Godfather contract at Reyes the second he hit Free Agency (which they of course were all too happy to trade away once the heat got too high). The Marlins were nothing but a bunch of jealous babies. They were envious of what the Mets had: Relevance and meaning in the community they play in. But the way they run themselves, it's clear that they just have no idea how to ever make this happen.

But, nonetheless, they still can't do anything against any other team, and yet when the Mets come to town, they turn it on. The 2013 Marlins were losing at a pace to rival the 1962 Mets before the Mets rolled in, and what happens? The Marlins just stick it to the Mets again. I'll give them Saturday's game, because Collin McHugh has no talent and shouldn't be pitching, but how you going to explain Sunday? Is this Marlin voodoo so bad that even Matt Harvey is affected? Twice, he's faced the Marlins in the Mystery Machine and twice, he's battled to get through 5 innings. Who the hell is Ed Lucas? Who is Derek Dietrich? Greg Dobbs? Greg Dobbs is a stone-handed lummox that wouldn't even be in the Major Leagues if there were no Marlins, but once he sees the Mets, all of a sudden he's Willie McCovey. What's all this about? The Marlins have won 16 games this season. 16! And 6 of them have come at the expense of the Mets. I know the Mets aren't good this season, but I also know that they are a better team than the Mickey Mouse Marlins.

Bottom line is, I have had enough of the Marlins. It was bad enough that the Mets had to play in their mis-shapen football stadium for 18 years, but then they made us go to Puerto Rico to play them in 2010, and now it's Eero Saarinen's worst nightmare. Seriously. Bud Selig, get your head out of the liquor cabinet for a few seconds and correct this mistake. You should have contracted the Marlins when you had a chance, and while it may be too late, there's still time to undo what's been done. Do the right thing. Bring back the Astros to the NL Central and put the Marlins out to pasture in the American League. I IMPLORE you do please do this, on behalf of all Mets fans. We do not want to have to deal with this stupid team any longer.

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